16 days of single woman-life in Ibiza

16 days. ALONE. Not a child in sight. 

It happens every year now. It's a regular thing. Once a year, the kids go with their father to Israel. It used to be a family affair, but once we separated, they became separate matters, as they should be. Him going to his country with the kids is something that I don't participate in. As should be.

That doesn't mean it's easy. When they left, I cried. I couldn't even stop the tears at the point of separation; the parking place at the grocery store. I cried even before I stepped into my car. I tried to hide my tears - I wanted them to know how happy I was for them. I didn't want to inflict any guilt or suffering upon their sweetly innocent souls. But the emotions took hold of me, and were so overpowering.

It took me about 18 hours to stop being sad. But from then on, it was full force ahead and LIFE TOOK OVER. 

Suddenly, I turned into ME again. The ME that I thought was forever buried by the forceful hands of motherhood. I thought that the persona that was born the moment my first child was born was somehow ME now. That me, as a mother, was now my one and only personality.

But NO. Turns out that a woman has several women inside of her. We can be so many things. Whores and prudes. Mothers and selfish bastards. Ugly and pretty. Sexy and sensual, but also just purely selfless vessels, giving our body, energy, love, time and minds fully to our children. 

All in one body. Isn't that incredible? 

WE CO-EXIST inside the same body.

That tired, angry-looking mother dragging her two children across the street? Well, think again. She might have several people inside of her. It's just that RIGHT NOW, she is being a responsible, selfless and giving woman, taking care of her kids and their best interests. But look again. Subtract kids, add high heels, lipstick and a Gin&Tonic. Her girlfriends, some stockings maybe, a cigarette maybe even, and a club, or a bar. And watch the transformation. She is that too. 

We are endless. Women can be so many things.

Which one is the genuine one? The true one?

I thought about it. And my answer is: ALL OF THEM. I am as true when I stay up at night feeling the forehead of my children for a possible fever, as true as I am when I am dancing with a stranger on the dance floor of a club in Ibiza. (Oh, and how I enjoyed THAT! I won't even tell you the rest of the story, as it's highly confidential...)

I am every woman. All the women. I just happened to forget. 

My kids leaving was the biggest present I have gotten in many, many years. I knew they were loved and cared for and had the time of their lives. I could either cry for the rest of those 16 days, or I could allow myself to live a little.

I don't know if it was a conscious decision, really. It just seemed to happen. I allowed it to happen, too. I allowed for life to really take me in its flow. And wherever I looked, there were opportunities for bubbly, social, exciting fun. It came at me from all directions. 

Again, I was that girl. That social bubbly, laughing, nervous, confident, funny, fun, smoking, drinking, happy - the one I had almost forgotten about, when the mother-me was taking residency in my body. That mother-me; that responsible, serious, accomplished, organised.... baaaahhh. 

Now that the kids are back, I know I will never again be back to being "only" a mother. I loved it too much, being ME again. I will never again abandon me for the sake of selfless sacrifice. It was nice for the years that it lasted. It may have served a purpose, even. But it is no longer necessary.

I am a woman, and I can host all of those me's inside one body. 
I'm all those women. 
How will I make space for them in one body?
I still don't know. I only know I'll manage, somehow.