I am mine, before I am anybody else's

I am mine, before I am anybody else's

January 24, 2019

Right now I feel like this picture. I feel like I’m resting. I am crashed, but peacefully so. I lay here surrounded by greenery; and the fragrance speaks of victory.

The feeling of having yourself proven not crazy despite the whole world telling you that you are, is really something I can’t compare to anything else. The victory is so sweet; the victory of having listened to myself for one of the first times in my life. The victory of having taken purely and strictly only my own advice. The absolutely mega scary and shaky steps of moving forward guided only by an inner voice. No logic, no confirmation from the outside- just that inner conviction. What a sweet sweet feeling of healing coming deep from within my soul. I finally took the advice of the only person that should be advising me: ME, MYSELF & I.

The feeling of laying here, in sweet peace and relaxation. The feeling of exhaustion from the nerves and the stress. The aftermath of a war and a crash. But I won. I lay here on a bed of green green grass. The green green grass of a deepening connection to myself.

For all of my life, I’ve allowed other people to do the driving. If my body was a vehicle, like this plane in the picture, my soul was merely a passenger. I allowed others to do the steering and the navigation. Until two and a half years ago, when I suddenly woke up and realised- this is WRONG. They are steering me in directions I don’t want to go. What happened to ME? My hopes, my dreams?

In fact: I AM MINE BEFORE I AM ANYBODY ELSE’S. (I wrote that on a piece of paper that I carry with me at all times.) It’s easy to forget that I am mine, when I am a mother of two small children. But this is not about motherhood. This is a soul issue. A trauma, an inherited, passed down one. A conditioning of generations after generations of being a woman. All of those things put together makes for a pretty difficult ride to begin with.

it has taken me those 2,5 years to try and take back the steering wheel of my own life. And I can say that today I think I finally did. Right now, we are taking a well deserved rest, me and my vehicle. Because it was so, so hard to wrestle my way back to control. But I’m here now. I’ve come this far. I’m mine. As I should be. Baby steps to reclaiming my rights to own myself, my destiny and my life.