Anything you can imagine is real

If you can dream it, you can do it: anything you can imagine is real

February 26, 2019, From that blog I started but closed down again 

For almost as long as I remember, I have been doing visualising. I used to write lists about goals and I used to visualise the already ready result, always before falling asleep. I have to say that most of the things that I desired, came to pass.

My lists were sometimes done on paper, sometimes in my diaries, and sometimes on big pieces of paper that were put up on the wall. My nighttime visualisations were made up by me and almost all very creative and colourful, down to each and every detail.

I never really told anybody about doing this. It was my private little secret.

Sometimes I’d be dreaming up a whole new life, in a new country, with new friends, and a new job, new relationship. And you know what? I made it happen, too! I have lived so many lives. In so many countries and places. And only I made those lives happen.

The only thing that I could never seem to control, was the meeting of abusive people who liked to control others. I was the perfect victim, programmed from childhood with the idea that I was less worthy, that I was supposed to be controlled.

My soul protested against this notion over and over again, thereby the escaping and the changing of my reality. But never matter how far I went on this planet - I always seemed to attract them, and them me. The narcissistic personality disordered people. And me? I felt like a slave to them. Like I owed it to them to obey them, to give them my light. They are vampires who need the light of others and they prey on people like me. Naive, without boundaries, but also with a special light that they do not have.

My last relationship was the most abusive one I have been in ever. It was pure terror. But I left it, and I also went to the police to report the abuse. There is a restraining order in place now, so he is leaving me alone. I can finally breathe again. 

In the middle of the absolute worst period of abuse in that relationship, during the summer of 2018 - last year - I was living under the same roof as him. My heart was constantly racing and I lived in fear of my life. That was when I started doing guided meditations and visualisations.

I have been practicing yoga and meditation for 17 years now, but what I didn’t know, is that when you are really suffering from a trauma or a toxic situation, the adrenaline of fear is pumping into your blood and filling it with cortisol and that is NOT the moment to sit in silent meditation. In fact, things might only get worse if you even try that. What you need in those horrible moments of magnified stress, is a guided meditation.

I was flicking through YouTube and chose a new one each day, starting sometime in early June 2018. I tried different ones, until one day I found this one.

I loved it before it was even over. The voice is so soothing and calm and soft, but not phony.

It’s a guided visualisation where you are taken into your dream home, and you walk around in that house, feeling textures, sitting in your favourite chair. Then your soulmate comes home, and you hug, and you deeply feel the connection. Then, you family comes home too, and you see them only for who they are, and the good in them. Later, you are taken to your dream job, where you make endless amounts of passive income doing what you love, and later, with all your money, you are having fun spending it. All of this is spoken in such a clear and eloquent way. I admit to having done this visualisation almost every single day since June 2018, sometimes even twice, because it calms my soul.

Often I fall asleep doing it. But that doesn’t matter; these things work on a much deeper level than we can understand.

Some days, I have a hard time visualising, and other days, it’s all so crystal clear. Sometimes I do it with children climbing on me; other days I do it while wide awake at 4 am in the morning, worrying and stressing about things that are unsettling/not settled yet in my post-abuse life. 

This guided meditation always, always calms me down and ignites either pure rest and trust in my soul, or creates a picture so damn beautiful that I can’t stop thinking about it for days.

On Saturday morning, I woke up at 04:30, wide awake. My boys were still soundly asleep; I mean they should be, they’re past that age of waking up at those hours. But I felt excited, I felt fresh and new and soooo awake. I started my morning by doing a 10 minute wake up Kundalini practice and then I started this meditation. What transpired was something so beautiful, I still think of it today - Tuesday. And I used it for my before sleep - visualisations, too, on the following evenings. It just happened spontaneously, a picture that was created by my mind. Sometimes I’m blown over by my ability to create things inside my head. What a remarkable experience it is, being human!

I think the fact that I have travelled so much in my life really helps me ignite a beautiful picture. I have seen so much with my eyes. I have a mega massive file of memory stored in my brain. I always chose to keep moving, keep travelling. My greatest love, after my children, is to travel.

Since realising that I was in a seriously abusive relationship, I have started to transform my lifelong shitty self worth, to a different one. I now believe I deserve better. I am still not sure about love, but I do know in which direction I am heading for when it comes to everything else. I know what I want, how I want to live, how I want to make a living.

The location of the story can change depending on the day and the week and the month. But the end result is always the same. The location is fluid for me; I have always been non-attached to places and can feel at home everywhere (and nowhere) and I imagine myself living in many different places on the planet. Every time I do the visualisation, I may end up in a different part of the planet. I really do not feel strongly about one single place. What I do know, are what ingredients I want to have in my life. And they are: my children, art, poetry, beauty, high ceilings, amazing food and wine, historical city, my writing, work for myself, have my parents/family spend more time with us, money, freedom, light, excitement, doing something meaningful, and yes… a real, intimate, soul-shaking love.

I am in the middle of it all. I escaped the abusive situation on the 11th September 2018 and have since then observed my life as I knew it for the past 7 years, falling apart, crumbling before my very eyes.

In fact, the “wake up” happened in August 2016, and since then, the changes are taking place. It’s a painfully slow and lengthy process. But it has to be, because I’m reprogramming programs that were downloaded to me as a child. And those take years to program in; now the deprogramming is happening, and I must allow it to take the time it needs to take.

I am building a whole new me, and a whole new life, after all. Those things take time.