just fired

today i got fired from my job.
something that never happend to me before, something i would never have thought would happen to me.

i quit many jobs. i walked out of jobs to never again come back; i disappeared without a trace from other jobs and never answered their calls. i felt as if i was the one controlling the situation.

this one caught me before i caught it.
i didn't love the job. actually i made a pact with myself around five years ago promising i would never again work in the restaurant business. when i made that pact i had obviosuly never lived in barcelona. ha!
on the other hand, i also made a pact with myself around the same time to never again fly with ryanair. which i also broke as i last weekend went to my other home, ibiza. i had really restricted timings to go there, and so i hesitantly had a glance at the ryanair website, which turned out to have flights working perfectly for me. so i went on, and broke my pact. and the experience proved me wrong; ryanair actually has some good sides. (at least outside of the uk, where i have not used their services before).

some people like to believe that everything happens for a reason. it's what i tell others who are in a desperate, chaotic, or stressful situation. that we chose this situation, on a deeper soul-level, for us to really bring out who we truly are, and to use all of our sources and resources, to solve situation, and to grow and blossom into our fullest potential.

i remember specifically when my friend Katja got fired from her job at vodafone, after being sick for a few days too many to suit a multinational company who expect their employees to work just as machines do. for her, it was the obvious final push to just go for it and teach yoga full-time. obviously it was a process, but it was a deeper kind of push. a push from the doorways of destiny.

but when it happens to myself, i of course, cannot apply my own advice or understand what destiny is telling me. well, i try. yes, it did happen for a reason. i just can't see it yet.
i was shocked. speechless. i walked out of the bar without a word. i kept walking until i came to a bicing-station. i jumped on the bike. i was stunned, silent inside. i cycled, without thinking, straight to raval.

what is it with this raval?

i am drawn there constantly. if i don't go there at least once a week, i miss it. when i have a moment to go downtown, i need to go and smell Raval. i really feel connected to life there, to the essence of life, love, food, souls, hearts beating. people creating, living, surviving, mixing.

shocked, stunned, silent turned into curiosly watching, observing, inhaling incenses and samosas. a voicemail form my EX-boss asking me to come and return the key. "i am sorry things turned out this way." mmm, look at this authentic little artistic restaurant? onto the prostitutes' districts, through the second hand-washing machine-district, onto the ramblas, and into the photography shop to try to understand the Hasselblad-world.

through the mystical, darkening lanes of Gótico, getting colder and more mysterious by the minute. there are less tourists in barcelona now and more reality. the cold is getting colder and the bars and cafés lights are alluring and tempting. through the endless escalators of el corte inglés, up 8 floors, walking slowly behind people who are in no hurry. looking at ugboots and ipads, things i cannot even afford to dream about in this situation, but i can squeeze, feel and caress, and pretend that i have a credit card in my bag.

photography book-shop, glossy books, phone call. "we prefer if you don't speak on the phone in this shop". thrown out, and this time, when it all transformed itself and converted into the words "i got fired" i suddenly felt more than numb and shocked. i got fired!!! oh my god!

it never happened to me before.
barcelona is not the easiest place to be.
the only place in the world where i got fired and got told to go back to my own country.
kicked out, not welcome.
on the other hand, i have no intention to leave.
i am already part of this moving, transient, translucent, transparent...ride. i am moving with it, not against it. as it changes, i change. as i change, it changes.

funny, this place. mystical, mysterious, fragrant- some parts of it.
hard, cold, raw reality- other parts.
which part am i? which part are you?
transient, divided.
just fired.
wow.
all is new, again.
again, changes are coming, from all directions.
the Budhha said that change is the only thing that is constant, and Barcelona really shows it, openly, shamelessly.
we can trust that change will and will continue to happen, and the more we embrace it as external, the more we can connect to the centerdness of our own inner being. inside, we stay the same, in our essence. it's only the outside that keeps shifting.
bring it on, Barca. burst your bubbles.