things fall apart

most relationships i have been in, have ended with the same feeling.
i feel, on the inside, as if i have been compromising myself in order to fit the other person.
more times than not, do i blame the other, for being manipulative.
but i realise in retrospect, that this is not at all close to the truth.
i compromise myself, in order to be loved.
i think i'm not good enough the way i am.

why is it so hard to stay me?
why do i feel that i need to be what i am not, in order to fit the other?

in every situation like this, i have fought a war inside me.
on the outside i submitted, but on the inside i was roaring. there were machine-guns and heavy artillery, explosions and death. i hated myself for doing this, for compromising me. but i had no idea of how to change it, how to be me, completely free from fear.

they say you need to love yourself before you can be loved/love someone else. sounds like such an old cliché, but i do think it is actually more than true.
it is essential.
we need to love ourselves.
i need to love me, first of all, before i love another.
it is my life to live, in this body, me..i am number one in my life. to always take care of others, to always adjust to others, to be a chameleon always adjusting to the outside is a great way of exploring the different spheres of life. but when i start to compromise who i really am, in order to please another- then i have immediately taken my vehicle onto a one way-road, with a dead end ahead of me. once i hit that dead end, things will fall apart. sometimes in a violent way.

i need to stay me, love me, take care of me, first of all. drive my car, wash it, polish it, change the spare-parts as they break. and then i can cruise along on the road of life, on a wide road with many lanes that i can shift between.
choosing an endless road, with a magnificent ocean-view. no dead end- just an endless string of beautiful beaches where i can stop...and make love...watch the sunsets..and enjoy. pure pleasure. no compromise. just freedom.