if i were a boy

it sneaks upon me
i notice a slight tension around the hip-area
it tingles with uneasiness
i feel angry with the wind, angry with the sky, angry with everyone that dears to walk in my way
i judge the fat, i judge the thin
i hate myself
the face that meets my eye in the mirror is ugly
the body i live inside feels bloated and fat

i hate myself

i take myself by the throat
i shake myself
i turn my whole being upside down
i empty myself of all contents
loose change and breadcrums come tumbling out of each pocket and hole
i scrutinize each one
i criticise each one
i see nothing good
i hate myself

i try to stay still
i try to not react
i try to remember that this is foreign to me in a few days
these few days of the month is like being possessed
it is not the truth

or....?

the issues that get highlighted
are they important?

yes

very much

it's necessary to scrutinize each breadcrumb
to see if it's necessary for me
in a dramatic way
throw away the dishes & plates i no longer have use for
the breadcrumbs that have gone stale

only keep the yummy ones
the good plates

the monthly clean-up
cleaning the cupboard of the old, stale
the ugly dishes & china
crush it, crash it

nothing grows without pain
no pain, no gain
the monthly pain
ouch
if only i were a boy!